34 Weeks

We have been having our ups and downs as you can see from the last two posts. My maternal grandfather died  and though it was expected death is not an easy thing. Ditto birth and that has very much been on my mind of late.
Kiernan is potty training and has been for a bit. We are rounding some corners there. No huge breakthroughs yet but he is interested and so far enjoying all of the trappings of big boy underwear and his own potty and all the books and songs that go with. He is the sweetest thing. He makes me smile so many times a day from pride and from humor and from the joy of being near him. I still worry about what the introduction of Meg will do to our relationship. I worry that I wont give her what she is due. I worry that Kiernan wont forgive me the intrusion and that even if having a sibling suits him just fine, we will have lost something. I worry that I will be too tired for both of them.
I am so tired right now. Not sleeping through the nights of course and then just the pains of late pregnancy and the worries that don't help any of us.
I worry that my water will break in a more normal way than last time (less huge bloody gush) and that I wont notice and that something horrid will happen to Meg. I worry that labor will last a thousand years and that the pain will be overwhelming. I worry that labor will be faster than it was with Kiernan and we wont make it to the hospital. I worry that something is wrong with Meg that none of the tests revealed. I worry that David will be overburdened or is being overburdened. I can not fathom how single parents do this. I have so much pity and pride in humanity for its ability to keep striving for something, especially something so hard as parenthood.
Kiernan is doing so great with all of his new stuff. He is an old hand at church now. He sings (even to my amazement in front of large audiences) without self-consciousness and with clear enjoyment. He follows the teachers now instead of looking to me for echoed instruction. He can put on his shoes and take off his pants (good thing for the potty training lol). He is eating with utensils very credibly. He holds genuine and often riveting conversations. It is so much fun to hear whats going on in his head now. We have begun to play real games like "Go Fish" and "Candyland". David has taught him to wink.

Meg is roiling and kicking many nights through. I have such fears for her. Things that didn't worry me too much with Kiernan. I have such hopes for her life...for him I had such hopes for his person. For Meg I see myself too much already. How can I make her life better than mine was? How can I protect her from the things that hurt me? How can I help her love the world and not become cynical. How can I in good conscious not encourage her to become cynical in a world like this?

We went to the beach and while there to some outlet stores to buy baby clothes. I saw so many things for Kiernan that I knew he would love. Shirts with dump trucks and firefighter outfits and things I knew would look great on him and things I knew he needed like warm weather pj's but for Meg...I don't know her. I don't know if she is a princess or if she is a little punk rocker. I don't want to make her into anything and in truth I recognize that for a while she will just be a really snuggly slug like creature, so we just got some onsies but I felt like I was short changing her already.

David is shouldering more and more of the work at home. He gets Kiernan up in the mornings and he makes dinner many many nights now, he rubs my back and her draws me baths, he is tired and has been sick. We were both pretty bad off last weekend and Mary and Dad came up to play with Kiernan so we could sleep. I am so lucky to have my family around.

I have been jotting down notes or a long letter (practically a book at this point) of pregnancy advice for Pammy who I think will be the next person that I know to go through this. That has actually been a lot of fun. 

My baby shower is coming up. I hate asking people for things. It makes me so uncomfortable. I love the idea of seeing people and of eating doughnuts (we must have doughnuts and cider) and I love the affection I have been blessed with. Kiernan loves parties so that should go well. He is more social that either of us (Me or David) and quite enjoys seeing his friends (everyone he has ever met is his friend as far as I can tell). I am afraid I wont make it to the shower date without giving birth but we shall see.
Here is a picture.