Prozac nation

Yesterday I went to the Dr. hoping to hear that I could be off meds...primarily hoping and somewhat fearing.

I suspected from the tone of the last session that she would quite want me to go on something.

I was not wrong.

She said: "Not to make you self conscious but you come of as an extremely anxious person."

I am not sure what part of that was not meant to make me self conscious but it eludes me.

I have been prescribed Prozac.

To avoid bad side effects I am supposed to take 1/4 dose for 2 weeks and then 1/2 dose for two weeks and ramp up in that fashion until I reach a normal starting dose.

She said that if I have a bad reaction, it is a product of only the anxiety, at those doses. I felt there, that much of my last two weeks sickness was being invalidated.

I didn't go to the pharmacy last night so I don't have it yet. I was dragging my feet.

I feel so low. I feel like I have been judged and found wanting.

I feel broken.

I feel like I am being ridiculous about this.

Like Kathryn says:

"I can't think of anyone that isn't or shouldn't be taking something or other

We live out of sync with our biology and we live way longer than we used to

its just how it works out to have a longer and healthier life.

    Yoshi is on blood pressure meds.

And I should be on kidney meds.

And Carolyn is taking cholesterol meds.

And Yoshi's mom is taking a daily salad that they should add tranqs to.

Dave takes a bunch of stuff on and off for his crohn's right?"

She is completely right. I need to get over myself.

On the other hand it was pitched to me in a way I found tremendously manipulative and nearly impossible for me to push back against.

It went like this:    because I come across as a very anxious person and I have little people at home and children are very susceptible to stress, I will make them stress people.

The offspring argument is one I am nearly powerless against. I saw it coming. It was like wrapping dog pills in cheese so they will eat them. Its some 'clever' motivator. I resent so much being pushed. It strikes me as condescending (a thing I don't do well with at all) and infantilizing.

Yesterday I went to one of my favorite websites to depressurize a bit (io9) and I hit an article about anxiety that struck a deep chord. Click here for the article. It hit me because it was describing exactly what I have been feeling in many instances, and I felt after reading it that I legitimately have a thing, and I need to do something about it.

I have been given a lot of advice by those of you who read this blog. I have really really appreciated it. Don't think that because I am trying this Prozac that I didn't hear the 'don't take anything that crosses the blood brain barrier' advice. If it were only me and I didn't feel like I might be jeopardizing my kids mental well being by blowing off the Dr. I would not be doing this.

I am however going to give it a go.

This will likely be the last medical update for a while.