Up to the beginning of April with some job seeking

My intention for this time of unemployment is to cook good food and organize my house...and look for a good job.

I have been offered some contract work and some lower paying stuff and so far I have said no to those, because I hope to not fall too far down the ladder in my new employment. I am 45 and getting near that time when you really cannot afford to be come unemployed so I am hoping to find something that will be solid and that will pay as much as I was making so that in 5 years when I turn 50 I wont be in a bad spot. Once my severance runs out I will cease to be picky in this way. I keep thinking about the kids college and our retirement and the weird unexpected things (like this unemployment) that throw you for a loop. I am trying to buffer against them and to act strategically. Its not really in my nature to act strategically. I'm really giving it a go though.

My friend Donnie handed in his two weeks notice and wrote this hilariously corny thing on the whiteboard at work. He is right.

Because I was terminated I didn't get one of those send offs that people usually do when they leave so my coworkers thew me an after work version of one anyway.

We ate Italian food and I was given some great peacock related beautiful things. 

Coworkers from all over came and ate and joked and were wonderful as always.

I will miss working with these smart, funny, kind people so much.

Look how wonderful they are.

Every single one of them has improved me and given me joy and I am so grateful.

I sat next to Jean who was the very first person I talked to when I joined the Frederick group. She told a very disoriented and fresh off of maternity leave me that if I ever had questions about things she would answer them. She did.

I also sat next to Krishna but I know I will see her again and am so pleased to know it.

I went home and listened to music and sat in the sun and promptly got really sick.

I went out to eat with Martin in hopes that my head would unstuff with Indian food.

No luck.

On the other hand, Indian food, so that's a plus.

Kiernan has developed an interest in typewriters.

I pushed on and did some errands and had a sick day with both the kids. Their school got hit so hard with strep and norovirus at the same time. We got notes home from the school board. One day Kiernans class was missing 11 of its 27 kids. It was rough. there was a lot of cold medicine and not much sleep and i was right in it with them. I felt lucky to not be burning through sick time.

Saint Patrick's day happened.

It coincided with my new me thing.

My coworkers (ex coworkers waaaa) gave me a gift certificate to buy interviewing outfits etc and I took it seriously.

I knew that I wanted to do a capsule wardrobe. I tried one before a few years ago when my anxiety caused me to lose so much weight that nothing fit. I loved the idea of small everything matches nothing goes out of style type of wardrobes so I began searching the internet for some inspirations.

I landed on this one:

I therefore bought with the gift card many of the elements of this wardrobe and cut my hair and put in some shiny earrings. 

 I've been trying to wear them around even though i have no work to go to so that I can get comfortable/natural in them.

I  picked this set because it loos nice but isn't prohibitively fancy for my comfort.

I met with a recruiter and it went pretty well. I was all kinds of nervous and still sick. She didn't have anything for me in Frederick and if things start getting down to the wire I will ask her for something down in Gaithersburg/Rockville/Germantown.

I am keeping a spreadsheet of jobs that I have applied for. I've only gotten 1 decline and a lot of no responses.

We shall see.

 I started crafting again as my sickness started to ebb.

 

Its starting to look like spring and warming up in fits and starts so I am taking the kids hiking more.

Its so nice to get outside.

This is the bottom of sugarloaf.

I liked this one so much i made it my desktop background.

I took a ton of stuff to the dump. Multiple truck loads were taken from under the deck.

We now have some space down there. I keep getting these great ideas to clean everything and then my head hurts and my not being fully recovered turns into a relapse and occasionally it snows.

I am not getting done what I should but at least its more than I would have otherwise.

It snowed did I mention?

I love snow but this is really more than enough for one season. I want spring and warm.

One morning while chatting with Krishna and the Michelle and Kelsey and Mariam the topic of a trip came up. I am built of time just now and quite liked the idea. We talked about maybe going to New Orleans (a place I quite want to go to). I got inspired to cook NOLA food and made some fairly good beignets.

Also here is the quick and dirty version of a NOLA inspired  cafe au lait.

Get some coffee grounds (decaf for me).

Put some milk in a microwave safe bowl.

Shake it like crazy for 30 or 40 sec.

microwave it for no more than a minute.

Add it to the cup and then pour the coffee over it.

Scoop out the foam from your earlier shake.

Give it a shake of cinnamon or cocoa or what ever you like.  

Enjoy.

Its a really good sign that I can have coffee. My anxiety had gotten so bad that I couldn't have anything that even remotely touched caffeine.

 My anxiety levels are so much reduced. I have this strange a wonderful feeling of energy and restfulness. 

I spent a fair amount of energy and time cleaning out my closet. I got rid of things that I don't wear anymore plus things that strikingly clash with the capsule wardrobe stuff. I am also trying to pair down on our stuff. I have been (like everyone else on the continent) hearing a lot about Marie Kondo and the capsule wardrobe lady above is a big fan of Danish minimalism.

I think it is true that we have too much stuff. I have proposed to David that we get rid of a ton of our stuff. I am starting with my stuff first. I will do clothes and books and kitchen stuff and once my stuff is done I will have at the kids stuff. 

I talked him out of several sets of shoes already.

I am working on the rest of my room and hope to have updates for you here. No matter how far I get with this I have gotten rid of about 15 bags of donation and trash things in my grand scheme. 

Mom says there is a lent thing for getting rid of 40 bags of stuff and I am well on my way.

I planted some ramps (cross your fingers).

Plus some great herbs.

My head got quite bad in the sinus department.

We planted a few seeds.

We ate some pie for pie day (savory/sweet/and pizza).

The kids got hamsters.

The gray one is Linda. He is Megs hyperactive biter.

This yellow one is Humphrey. He is Kiernan's fluffy and chill cuddler.

They are cute and the kids are happy with them. I am not a huge fan of rodent pets but don't have any major problem with them

I invented a goat cheese and tapanade sandwich. Its so good.

The seeds started coming up.

I got a cool wild edible plants book  from the used book store.

I found and started organizing some family photos:

me skating,

the most excellent Kuehnert's,

and baby me with my parents.

Did I show you this outstanding shower curtain?

Its possible that our master bathroom is Cthulhu themed but with rainbows.

We got tickets for this.

I hope it goes well. I am particularly looking forward to the dessert bar.

I had lunch with Michelle and was apparently a bit quiet. I attribute this to my headache of a thousand years. Michelle worried about it and sent Krishna to check up on me.

I love my friends you guys.

We made Jing noodles.

If you get the chance in your life to make Jing noodles please do. Jing recommends using Zhenjiang vinegar instead of white.

I tried making some Swedish pancakes.

My head got so bad that I went to urgent care. This is more complicated now because of our being in-between regular insurance and the cobra. They didn't think I have an infection so I got a nasal spray and a steroid to go with it. I hope the headache goes away.

We went to spring Kathryn's dad from rehab.

He was pretty happy to get out of there.

We got to see lots of flowers and a much happier Mr. Scearce.

The seeds are up.

The flowers are blooming.

The frog pond is spawning.

It looks downright springy.

If it were warm I would be even happier.

Pammy and I went for a hike and compared our recent unemployment.

We went to the Monocacy Aqueduct.

It was cold but we had a picnic and told each other our tales of woe and marveled at the water.

I took Kiernan to baseball.

He unexpectedly decided that he wanted to try baseball again this season. The first practice went okish. He had fun but was clearly not where the other boys were.

The 2nd practice went poorly. He was concentrating so hard and beating himself up each time things didn't go the way he wanted. He broke down and started to pace in circles crying when facing away from the boys and trying to look normal when facing them. I could hear him gasping from all the way across the field. One of the coaches walked him over to me. The coaches were amazing during the first and 2nd practice. They were tough and fair and compassionate. I haven't seen better coaches in any of the kids sports before.

I gave him a drink of water and some chips and talked him down. He said he wanted to quit and I told him we could talk about it after practice. I would not let him walk out on the session.

He therefore quit before the 3rd practice.

I have a great deal of inner conflict on this. David says baseball is for fun and if hes not having fun why should he do it. 

That all sounds fine except I see it as anxiety getting in the way of doing things that he actually wants to do.

When he quit Cub Scouts this year I was sad, because I love Cub Scouts, but fine with it because he is good at Cub Scouts. He wanted to quit a bunch during his first year there and I wouldn't let him. He didn't make it through a pack meeting without crying and wanting to quit during the first year but by the end he was dancing on the stage and playing with his friends and comfortable leading out the flag ceremony.

I felt like his decision to leave was not one of fear but of convenience and interest. His violin is taking a lot of time and he is a natural homebody.

Its really hard to take yourself and your filter out of these decisions.

In the end he left baseball and I got a great and understanding note from the coach.

I'm fighting the voice of my dad in my head telling me to "deal with it Melissa". This is a voice that chases me around most of my life and mostly because I agree with it and feel I am failing at it. Unfortunately because I agree with it and because I want Kiernan to be able to handle stresses throughout his life and because I feel like every decision is foundational (because of his age) I stress about tiny stuff like this.  Is quitting baseball a microcosm for all adult behavior/reactions. 

With all that anxiety and the knowledge that Kelsey and Mariam were about to hand in their notices adding to it I spent last Friday on a very focused finicky project.

I put my birthday hurdy gurdy together.

I got it all the way together and pretty much playable.

Its still a bit squeeky but sounding better and better.

At the end of the day I found out that our boss (associate director) had been let go. The resignations were offered a rescind. It was a crazy day. I wonder where it will all end.

I worry about my friends and need to focus on my own business and find a job but also know that I am still dealing with the pain of the rejection of being terminated. I need to figure out how to get my head out of the being demeaned and criticized. I need to decide how much of it was my fault and how much was manipulative and abusive. I know that there was some of both.

I'm starting to not dream of work all the time and to get some head space cleared of management.

I am focusing on Pennsic and the kids are ready for camping.

Michelle came over and we cooked again plus set up the tent and did a little 3D printing.

We went to Southern States and saw the chicks for chick days.

Megan had to run off for her pinewood derby. I got texts from David for the next hour plus saying that she had won heat after heat.

Megan came in 2nd for all the Daisy's. She was very happy.

Apparently it was very crowded.

I went into Frederick to clear off my crafting shelf at Haven.

The trees were starting to bloom.

Haven is having a bit of a refurbish and even has a new members handbook.

It looks like many of my privileges are being expanded and that they are doing a ton of upgrades for all of us.

Yay Haven.

Megan had a play date with Ava

I combined my weekend crafting bits to form a Birdy Gurdy.

hahah

Here is me yesterday. It's still too cold and my head still hurts but less so.

Send me your prayers and good thoughts and great ideas for employment.