Shawn is Gone

I learned about Shawn's suicide at the end of my first day of work. 

Then I kept going to work and waited for news on what to do. I brought comfortng items like a mug that had Megans art on it with me to work.Once the memorial service was announced mom and I decided to drive down to Bracey to meet up with Grandma and Grandpa and Neil and Betsy for a convoy.

We drove 4 hours to Bracey then 11 hours to Nashville the next day.

It was a strange quiet trip. Mom rode with me and then went back with Neil and Betsy and Grandma and Grandpa in a van and I drove myself because I had to be back at work Monday morning and everyone else was hoping to stay a bit longer.

We stopped at an amazing place that mom recommended. She had heard of it on a news show . It was so very good. If you find yourself in or near Knoxville do yourself a favor and go to Yassin Falafel house.

We got to Nahville and checked into the hotel (the worst hotel experience i have had as an adult). We changed into black things and headed over to Jessica and mIkes place. It was full of people and they werent talking about it and we fell into service planning and logistics of feeding many people and scheduling visits.

(Grandmas garden in Bracey)

(All the cars waiting for the convoy)

(My car with a flower from Grandma's garden)

(Driving)

(Laughably bad hotel room)

(With no sheets)

We went out to eat as a big group to a tasty indian place. Katie had the same haircut as Megan.

It turns out that Shawn, like me, liked caffeine free Coke. I got several boxes of caffeine free soda from the house because no one else would drink them and though of him a lot.

I still have a box in my car and every time I close my trunk I do it more slowly than i used to just looking at it.

I'm not even sure what is going through my head it just sort of Shawnness.

Because I was less encumbered than pretty much everyone else I wound up being the person to start the church set up and the meet and greeter and the talking with the church staff.

The people at the church were unsure of me but helpful.

I directed the florist and moved tables about.

I kept busy and thought only of the task at hand.

Once things were more or less in place and there were actual greeters and family representatives around I went for a walk around the churches back lot and looked at trees and wished that the memorial service were earlier because of the driving I was going to have to do.

Then suddenly everyone was there

I sat one row back from most of the family because we were saving space for some of Katies friends to come and sit with her.

The pastor was very good (he was also very helpful and used his past as a poliece officer to take care of things for Mike and Jessie (like getting rid of Shawns car).

My grandfather spoke and broke my heart. I cried for Jessica and for my entire family and for Shawn because I will miss him, I cried for fear about Kiernan's similarities to Shawn, I cried for all the what ifs.

Then I hugged a few people and rushed out to my car to drive and drive and drive back.

I had a headache from the crying and I couldnt see straight so I called David and asked him to add a distracting audiobook to my audible library and to talk to me .

He added a great mindless sci-fi book and we talked on and off for the next 10+ hours.

I made it home around midnight and got to work on time Monday morning with no one the wiser.

I don't know these people well enough to get into it but it feels odd to not talk about it.

When I think about Shawn here are some of my highlights.

The thing that scares me the most is how alike Shawn and Kiernan were in temperament.

Kiernan adored Shawn. Both my kids did. Kiernan wanted to go down and see him this summer as soon as classes were out. He told me that he was going to ask to go to Nashville the night we learned about Shawn's death.

I have lots of pictures of them and in each of them Kiernan is as close to Shawn as he can be.

Shawn made time for my kids. He was patient with them in a way that made me feel so warm and familial. I thought he was a great role model of how to be a boy and a teenager and a young man. I wanted Kiernan and Megan to notice his patience and his playfulness.

Jessica lives too far away for us to have seen them regularly, it was all Christmas and or vacation meetups.

On those occasions we always had such a wonderful time.

We went to Florida.

We made funny faces.

On our last visit.

They played video games together and Shawn let Megan be a spaz. He took Kiernan seriously.

When he was bornthey still lived in Maryland and I used to occasionally babysit him. When he was still little I took him to met my soon to be mother-in-law as some sort of tangible proof that I would make a good set of grandkids.

She thought he was fabulous and was delighted by him. She told me and several others to "look at how straight he sits up!". Its one of my favorite memories of her. Now they are both gone.

I carried him around on my shoulders. We went to the cherry blossom festival and to sugarloaf where I would later take my own kids.

He was the first time I ever saw David with a baby.

I miss him. 

Suicide is weird. For a long time I felt it was a kind of euthanasia, a practice I support. I had a cousin who killed herself and I felt sad but accepting because of the hardships she endured and because I felt that every person should have the right to leave if they felt like they needed to. I remember being told that the reason my father got custody of us when my parents were divorced was because he might have killed himself otherwise (I was given other reasons at other times but this one, of course, caught my attention). I had friends in High School who were suicidal and I remember the powerlessness and responsibility I felt when they confided in me their intention to kill themselves. I have thought of suicide for myself many times, most of all when I was put on antidepressants for my anxiety (those drugs really screwed me up and it was more than a year before I realized how much and how badly they had affected me). The fear I feel at Kiernan's tendency toward depression and what it could mean for his struggle with suicide or suicidal ideation made clear to me that my feelings are more complex than I expected. I hate that Shawn killed himself. I am glad that I did not. I cannot wrap my mind around my sisters pain. 

I am terrified of that pain for myself.

I still support euthanasia. I wish, just like I did with my cousins suicide, that I had done something that would have made a difference and I wonder over and over what I might have done.

Depression lies.

I wish I could turn back time.

I hope people give my sister the space she wants and needs.

If you are a praying person pray for her and for Mike and for Katie.

If you are depressed and thinking about suicide please talk to the suicide prevention lifeline

1-800-273-8255